The bits and pieces
Of my Mind
Are scattered
Here and there
The bits and pieces
Of my mind
Now have gone
Everywhere
My mind is fraught
With memories lost
My brain distraught
With battles fought
A toss of the die
A slash of the rye
A pig in a sty
I wonder why
My mind is everywhere
In the monster's lair
In the hole of the hare
In the clothings' tear
In the rocket's red glare
My mind is everywhere
There it is low
Mixed in with the dough
And so I go
Steady but slow
To pick up the pieces
Be not facetious
Ride reality's train
And start my day again
Young-Min
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I really like the beginning, but the rhyming seems too forced, later on. Also, a little bit of punctuation can go a long way––like for "Steady but slow." Simply add a comma, and it helps to get the point across, instead of following the same beat of the rest of the poem ("Steady, but slow").
ReplyDeleteThe ending is, as it is said, rather "bleh." It strikes me as out of place in a poem about bits and pieces; unless you add the last two stanzas together, and then it would flow as one idea, instead of two.
*nods* Just my two cents.